Today was another rough day. The depression has been addling my mind and driving me down quite a bit, I think even rougher than it has in a long time. However, I'm tired of thinking about the effects of this hellish disorder, and I don't want to weigh any of my potential readers down with any of the same. I want to talk about something different.
To any of you who know me, you know quite well that I typically don't act like a usual 18-year-old (thus the title of this blog). I don't really go out and party, I'm not a particularly heavy/frequent drinker, I don't mess around with any girl but my significant other, and I don't listen to anything on the radio these days. I'm not really like a lot of teenagers these days. I'm kind of reserved, chilled-out, and old-fashioned. Some people even say I was born in the wrong century. I must say, that goes extremely well with the fact that I'm a Civil War reenactor. I guess I'm somewhat of an anomaly in today's day and age. I call older people that I don't know "sir" and "ma'am," I go out of my way to hold doors for ladies, I always remove my hat when going indoors, and -- if you watch me very intently -- you'll notice that when I first meet someone and go to shake their hand, I put my other hand behind my back and bow slightly. Regarding the bowing while shaking hands, I actually didn't notice I did that until someone pointed it out. It really shows how ingrained in my mind that sort of old-fashioned, respectful behavior really is. I shouldn't be 18 in 2013. I should be 24 in 1862.
Before I started college, this sort of old-fashioned behavior about me almost had me sequestered and separated from my friends sometimes. I never really cared to go to a lot of parties, they just never really connected with me. I never tried to act like I was above them or anything, I just could never really get into them. The night before I left for college, I remember I went to a party back home late at night. I wasn't really all that crazy about being there, but I figured I needed one last awkward hurrah before I embarked for the next chapter of my life. Everyone started drinking as the night progressed. That's not really a problem for me, I'm not one of those people that will preach at you to stop drinking. That's all cool by me, that's your choice. But really, there's a difference between drinking like an adult and drinking like a teenager. Unfortunately, teenagers, as can be expected, drink like teenagers (e.g., drinking straight vodka en masse with a chaser of hastily mixed pineapple juice and whatever cheap liquor you could sneak in). The people at the party, all mostly people a year or so younger than me, got wasted pretty quick. There was drunken dancing, inebriated affections, and roaring laughter at trivial things. One girl I didn't know tipsily tried to brag to me about how she was pursuing a not so prestigious degree at a sub-par college. Needless to say, I wasn't particularly impressed. I just kind of awkwardly sat there in the middle of it all, soaking in the alcohol-perforated air and observing everyone's behavior, almost like a sociologist at work in the field. In the end, I simply looked at it like this: they were having fun and enjoying themselves, I wasn't. It's not a question of one of us being better than the other, our minds are just constructed differently, simply that.
That's generally the main occasion I use to symbolize my relationship with the general attitude of my generation. However, sometimes there are gaps in the thick awkwardness that permeates that relationship. Sometimes I look at people dancing, or singing, or partying, or just having fun, and I think, "Huh. I should try that some time." Sometimes these gaps in the awkwardness comes at large occasions, other times at small occasions. The smaller occasions always seem to connect with me the best. For instance, this evening, I was yet again laying on my bed in my dorm while my buddies Matt and Steve were hanging out across the room. Matt was interested in how to "wop." I'm still not really sure what that is, but I guess it's a kind of dance. After watching a short instructional video, he started wopping right there on the rug in the middle of the dorm. I have to admit, for a skinny, hairy, Jewish white boy from the more affluent hills of Pittsburgh, the guy's got some smooth moves.
I look at little things like that, and I think back to times where I've just cut loose and did something silly and fun like that. I remember going to proms where I'd start raving like a maniac and dancing until my rented tux shirt was soaked. I remember at my senior prom, I took my darling Megan with me, and we absolutely lost it. We were both head-banging to Nirvana's "Smells Like Teen Spirit," screaming in each other's faces to "You Shook Me All Night Long" by AC/DC. It was one of the happiest nights of my life, and I am so blessed to have been able to share that with her. It makes me think that beneath my hardened, old-timey, crusty old shell, there's actually a capacity to cut loose and just live life like it's a big party. Though I'll always believe that propriety, dignity, and social finesse are an important part of a successful life, there are few things more integral to a life in general than the ability to just let yourself go; to just run wild and a beautiful night with the only person in whole wide world that you love; to be able to swing them back and forth in a hot, poorly ventilated gym to the greatest songs of twenty and thirty years ago; to be able to not give a damn in all the world for what anyone thinks and just be able to love and have fun, right there in the midst of a couple hundred of your peers. That's what life can truly be about at times.
No matter how serious of a person you are, even if you're an old tight-wad like I can be sometimes, you can never forget that that is what truly makes life beautiful. The spice of life is every now and then living like you don't care, living like life's a party, living like tonight's the last night to ever be. Don't relegate yourself to the corner all the time. You don't have to go out and get wasted and make an ass out of your drunken self, no, not at all. But every now and then, don't be afraid to just get out there on the dance-floor and just be whatever you want. Every now and then, play some stupid, shallow Top 40 song on YouTube and just dance in the middle of your room to it. It's things like these that add a sort of beauty to life that can't really be replicated with many other things.
My sincerest regards,
Brandon
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